


Young and Fancy and Not At All Free

by Pram_The_Oracle



Series: JohnRose Grimdorks Week 2019 [1]
Category: Homestuck, MS Paint Adventures
Genre: F/F, F/M, Gen, Late Night Conversations, Multi, Nightmares, Pale Romance | Moirallegiance, The Homestuck Epilogues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-15
Updated: 2019-06-15
Packaged: 2020-05-12 13:52:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,672
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19230433
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pram_The_Oracle/pseuds/Pram_The_Oracle
Summary: SUN - 16: FANCYTIER & ALCHEMIZATIONPale John and Rose. Set after the Credits and before the Epilogues.Rose had a nightmare.For better or worse, John is the only one she’s willing to talk to and available this late at night.





	Young and Fancy and Not At All Free

“John, I’m here!” You call out, as you land on the Land of Wind and Shade outside of John’s house. “I came as fast as I could. What’s the emergency? I didn’t see anything from my monitor worth sounding the alarm.” No answer. You contemplate waiting for one, but decide to barge in just in case John is in danger. You make your way inside, on the lookout for any signs of trouble you may have missed. You clutch your wands as you climb the stairs to John’s room. So far, nothing seems out of place. Everything is exactly the same as when you last saw it, not even a hint of an Imp’s intrusion. Reaching the bedroom door, you enter a battle stance, take a deep breath, and slam open the door, rolling your way inside and looking pointing your wand every which way.

“Alright John I’m here what’s the problem?” Your heroic charge to rescue your friend was evidently for nothing as you see nothing wrong in the room. Well, except for your old friend John Egbert standing, looking out the window, his back towards you. He hasn’t moved an inch since your admittedly embarrassing entrance. Something seems off however, but you’re not sure what.

“John, I came here because I’m worried about you. Will you at least turn around so we can speak eye to-” You grasp his shoulder, and turned him around. You wished you didn’t. You back away immediately, away from what you thought was your friend. It looked like him. But in your haste to see what the problem is, you didn’t notice that he’s wearing an outlandishly fancy gray suit, like the kind worn to a 17th century dance or worn by one of the founding fathers. The big problem, however, is his eyes. Or rather, lack of eyes.

“Ah, Rose, you’re here! First to arrive, that’s why you’re my favorite you know?” John said, taking out honest to god pocket watch from his pocket. “Tsk tsk. Jade and Dave are late. Jade I understand, but Dave is a Hero of Time, he should learn to be more punctual.”

“John, what the hell happened to you?” You try to distract John with conversation, as you inch your way towards the open door- you youth roll out of the way as he throws a goddamn cane towards where you were headed, cutting you off from the door.

“Tut tut my dear, it’s considered rude to leave in the middle of a conversation. As to your question,” John said, as he walked to the door, closing it and retrieving his cane from where it stuck out of the wall. “I have simply been enlightened.” Then with an unbelievable speed he moved at you, slamming you into the wall.

“Augh!” You shouldn’t have yelled in pain, because John took advantage of that moment to put something in your mouth. You accidentally swallowed it, prompting you to cough and gag. “Dammit John, what did you just feed me?”

“Something truly remarkable.” He began. You didn’t catch anything else he might have said because you entered a world of pain that blinded all of your senses, focused entirely on making sure you feel as much hurt as possible. You hear the most awful cacophony. Your eyes are assaulted by colors and shapes too intense for it. You smell the most godawful stench. You the taste the most disgusting thing in your mouth and the texture wants to make you vomit. You do. Worst of all, the PAIN! It feels like your entire skin is being peeled off all at once and stabbed and burned and IT WON’T END!

After what seemed an eternity, the pain subsided, and you feel better. Much better. In fact, you’ve never felt better in your entire life. Your eyes come into focus once again, and you can see the result of… whatever it was John did. There’s a black and white puddle beneath you, which is quickly evaporating. You are no longer in John’s room, but near where his Alchemiter is. For some reason there’s a full length mirror, allowing you to see what you’ve become. Despite your lack of eyeballs, you can see your new self. Your clothes are drenched in whatever it was that you vomited all over yourself. You like it.

“Enjoying the view Rose?” John’s voice came from behind you. You pause for a moment, admiring the view indeed, before turning to John, who has a gift box in his hands. He opened it, and offered it to you. You smile. You shed your old clothes, not caring that you’re naked in front of John, and wear the dress he gifted you.

Finished, you once again see yourself in the mirror. An elegant gray dress, backless and revealing your bare shoulders to the world frame your thin body. The ensemble is complete with long glove covering your hands and arms. You smile. “Such a delightful gift John, thank you. Perfect for what we have to do next.”

“I take it I don’t have to explain further?” John said, offering his hand.

You take it, and you two step towards the Alchemiter. “On the contrary, I understand everything perfectly.” You operate the machine, and out comes the Fancy Toffee you wanted. “Now, we just wait for Dave and Jade to join us.”

And so the Fancy Mode Heir of Breath and the Seer of Light laugh foppishly as they go forth on their mad quests to make everyone fancy.

====>

You blink. That was… weird. Very weird, and, if we’re being honest, it scared you a little bit. But mostly weird. And really abrupt. And really fucking stupid. Yawning, you stretch and rise out of bed, scratching an itch on your lower back as you do. No way you’re going back to sleep after a dream like that. You meander through your apartment, looking for the fridge. Successful despite the dim light , you pour yourself a glass of water which you chug down immediately.

Well. Now what? Your apartment is dark, and a glance at your phone tells you it’s 3 AM. You pick up the remote, but thought better of it. If you’re an adult watching TV at 3 o’clock in the morning you really have to question where your life is heading. Playing a video game is also out of the question. You glance at your bookcase. A little light reading would do the trick, but all you have are macabre stories. You’ll have to remember to pick up some lighter fare next time you go to the bookstore.

You massage your temples. This headache is fucking killing you. It’s been getting a lot worse lately, thanks to the flood of visions you have as of late. This latest vision is just one of an endless stream of alternate worlds. Admittedly this one is… more horrific than most. Betrayed by one of your best friends… unthinkable.

You take your phone and scroll through your list of contacts. That’s it, you’ll need somebody to be a listening wall while you bitch about the dream. You’ll keep the fact that you’ve been having visions aside for now. Kanaya’s name comes first, but there’s a reason why you’re in your apartment instead of being in the Grub Caverns with her. No, you’re not ready to face her. Not yet. What about Dave? He’s always good to talk to, even if he will likely out talk you in the end.

You give him a call, though he’s not picking up no matter how many times you try. Hmm. Either he left it on silence, or maybe he’s ignoring you? Karkat or Jade would probably know, but you don’t feel like talking with them. Perhaps Roxy? Then again you two haven’t been talking much lately. Maybe your ecto-mom is busy with Calliope anyway. Who else is there… there’s Terezi. But only John knows her number.

You sigh. All roads lead to John it seems on this particular night. You were hoping to avoid him due to the dream, but fate decided otherwise it seems. You give him a call, and if even he doesn’t pickup, you consider calling Jake or Dirk or-

The call was picked up from the other end.

JOHN: wuzzuh?  
ROSE: John, I’ve been dreaming in shit creepypasta.  
JOHN: wait, what?   
JOHN: what does that even mean rose?  
ROSE: It’s a general description of my nightmare John.  
ROSE: Somewhat creepy, and very reasonably not a pasta.  
JOHN: you still lost me.  
ROSE: Short horror stories John.  
JOHN: oh.  
JOHN: oh!  
JOHN: you had a nightmare!  
JOHN: sorry sorry i’ll get focused.  
JOHN: alright, so uh, do you want to talk about it?  
ROSE: I have been waiting for you to say the magic words John.  
ROSE: I won’t bother you with the details, but the gist of it is, it takes place back when we were playing SBURB.  
JOHN: yeah i still have nightmares about that too.  
ROSE: Really now? Care to share the details?  
JOHN: we were talking about your nightmares, remember?”  
ROSE: Oh, yes, do forgive my curiosity John. So there I was communing with the Horrorterrors, seeking ways to break the game.  
JOHN: business as usual then?  
ROSE: You know me so well.   
ROSE: In this instance however, you interrupted my conversation and told me to come to your planet. Some sort of emergency, you were vague with the details.  
ROSE: Being your closest compatriot and all, I traveled to your planet with all haste.  
ROSE: Only to discover it was all part of your nefarious plot to transform me into...  
JOHN: into what?  
ROSE: I’m not sure what to call it.  
ROSE: Do you remember the Trickster incident at my wedding.  
JOHN: i try to forget it.  
JOHN: oh, geez, is that what happened?  
JOHN: i enter Trickster Mode and forced you to enter it too?  
JOHN: where would we even get trickster candy in our session?  
ROSE: It’s not Trickster Candy John.  
ROSE: It’s apparently Fancy Toffee.  
ROSE: Unlike Trickster Candy however, it turns you into some sort of fancy suit and dress wearing jerk whose sole purpose seems to be spreading their condition.  
ROSE: In the final moments of my dreams, we were collaborating to alchemize more Toffee and turn Dave and Jade into…  
ROSE: For simplicity’s sake let us just call them Fancy Mode.  
JOHN: hold on  
JOHN: we can alchemize the fancy toffees?  
ROSE: Correct.  
ROSE: It’s one of the main reasons why the dream stuck with me.  
ROSE: Who can say with certainty that amongst the infinite combinations available for the cards, that Fancy Toffee can’t be alchemized?   
JOHN: well  
JOHN: I can’t disprove their existence right now  
JOHN: but it’s not infinite.  
ROSE: Intriguing.  
ROSE: Elaborate John.  
JOHN: well, this is something i already told you.  
JOHN: or at least, something i put into your old SBURB FAQ.  
JOHN: due to the way alchemy relies on the card hole combinations, there can only be a limited amount of combinations.  
JOHN: hold on let me add it all up  
JOHN: yeah, there are a total of 281,474,976,710,656 possible items that can be created through alchemy.  
JOHN: so i figure we can conclusively prove that your dream will never come true once we see that no combination results in fancy toffee.  
JOHN: eventually  
JOHN: thankfully if we ever decided to do that, we’ve got all the time we need to test it out.  
JOHN: rose?  
JOHN: are you ok?  
JOHN: you’ve been kind of quiet.  
ROSE: I’m fine John.  
ROSE: It’s just…  
ROSE: I forgot about that particular contribution to my FAQ you had.  
ROSE: Honestly, I’m impressed.  
JOHN: aww, thanks. but anybody who knows about alchemy will figure it out eventually.  
ROSE: Perhaps, but thank you anyway John.  
JOHN: oh hey you know what  
JOHN: you should come down here and visit  
JOHN: we can get a headstart and alchemize random stuff and start crossing out combinations that don’t result in fancy toffee  
JOHN: umm, you got quiet again.  
ROSE: I heard you John.  
ROSE: It’s just that...  
ROSE: So let me make this clear.  
ROSE: I come to you in my hour of need to calm me down from a nightmare about you inviting me to your house only to find you turned into an eldritch abomination, and not the good kind, who then force fed me Fancy Mode Candy and transformed me into one of your grotesque legion.  
ROSE: We then proceed to alchemize more of our unspeakable treats and spread our horrific stature to any fool unlucky enough to eat them, and that’s if they survive the transfiguration process.  
ROSE: Your solution, then, is to, invite me into your house where we can Alchemize stuff until we either make Fancy Toffee or find out it is impossible to make.  
JOHN: oh geez, wow.  
JOHN: when you put it like that, yeah that does sound bad.  
ROSE: On the contrary.  
ROSE: The utter audacity of your suggestion to basically confront of my fears head-on, even if it is not your intention, is so patently absurd that I’m actually feeling better now.  
ROSE: You have my gratitude John.  
JOHN: oh, you’re welcome rose, glad i could help.  
JOHN: you know i’d never feed you fancy mode candy and turn you into a monster, right rose?  
ROSE: Not intentionality no.  
ROSE: It is one of the many qualities that make you such an endearing friend.  
JOHN: thank you.  
JOHN: out of curiosity, what are the other qualities?  
ROSE: A lady never tells John. Not too much in any case.  
JOHN: so hey there’s something I’ve been wondering  
JOHN: what do i look like in fancy mode?  
ROSE: First of all, thank you for bringing my distracted mind back into focus of my nightmare John. Exactly what I needed from you right now.  
JOHN: oops, sorry  
ROSE: It’s fine. Well, for one thing, you’re missing your eyes.  
JOHN: oh god  
ROSE: That said  
ROSE: I have to say that the suit you were wearing is impeccable. It suits you and makes you look quite prestigious.  
JOHN: oh, uh, thanks?  
JOHN: and what about you?  
JOHN: were you wearing something like your prom dress?  
ROSE: My what?  
JOHN: oh, did that not happen in this timeline?  
JOHN: forget i said anything.  
ROSE: Well alright.  
ROSE: This has been a most productive talk John.  
ROSE: Especially considering the time of day. Or night as it happens. I apologize for bothering you.  
JOHN: oh no problem at all Rose, glad I could help.  
ROSE: Alright we should turn in for the night. We’ve got a big day ahead of us tomorrow.  
JOHN: wait, what day?  
ROSE: Our plans to alchemize things endlessly until we can definitely say Fancy Toffee cannot be created, remember?  
JOHN: oh, right!  
JOHN: okay rose, it’s a date.  
JOHN: good night rose.  
  
John ended the phone call from his end, preventing you from making fun of the freudian slip he let out at the end there. You briefly contemplate sending him a message of that nature… but instead, you just smile, turn off your phone, and head back to your bedroom. Tomorrow’s a big day after all. As you pass by your closet, you turn to look at it.

You turn on the lights and open the closet, and soon find the box you were looking for. After rummaging inside, you find the prize you were looking for. Good, it’s still in pristine condition. You hang it up outside the closet so you can easily get to it tomorrow, and slide the box back in. Done with your preparations, you close the closet, and yawning, move towards the bed.

As you make yourself comfortable, your eyes slowly close. The last thing you see before your drift off into a restful dream free of visions of other universes or plain old nightmares, is the orange prom dress John mentioned. You can’t wait to see his reaction when you’re wearing it tomorrow.

**Author's Note:**

> John can be a bit of a dumb dumb at times.
> 
> But he’s not that dumb.


End file.
